We went to visit Zydi’s family today in their home. It is customary when someone dies for the family to host visitors for coffee for the first seven days and repeat visits for a total of 40 days. We went to show our respect for Zydi and for his family and to express our condolences. Their gate has been open roughly 16 hours a day since the funeral.
When we entered the courtyard we were greeted by one of Zydi’s son and I (Jenny) was directed to the women’s room and Robert to the men’s room. In the 12′x12′ living room there were over 15 women, all dressed in black. There were 4 more ladies my age or younger in the the kitchen a space about 4′x6′ making coffee and other food preparations. Initially, the group did not know what to do with me. I don’t know any of these women well, and I have only seen Zydi’s wife a few times on the street and greeted her in my limited Albanian. I am sure they were wondering what to do with this American woman who has come to visit! I sat by Zydi’s wife and greeted those around me with my best offerings of sympathy in Albanian. I was served a little dessert cake (made with flour, honey, sugar and water- very thick and very sweet!) and did my best to converse a little in Albanian. I was asked questions about the children (no one can miss the 2 blond boys in the neighborhood and the Chinese baby) and of course WHY did you adopt from China. Adoption is such a foreign concept here, especially if you are able to have your own children. As we talked about adoption Zydi’s wife shared with me that she worked in the orphanage in Sauke (a village on the edge of Tirana) as a cook for many years. She now receives a pension from her years of service there. Our friends Bob and Kathy from Washington State are the house parents there. I asked who all the women were… all but one was a relative of some kind. Most live with in the three houses that are all attached across the road from us.
We stayed for about 15 minutes and then I excused myself since Robert had a meeting. I was in awe that we have acquired enough language to have these simple conversations and express our heart and love for people. Robert told me later that his room was more animated and conversation was harder to follow. Men are not as good as slowing down their conversation to accommodate a language learner. When he was finished with his coffee, he left 1000 lek on his cup (about $10). This is a custom to show respect for the family and help to pay for funeral and hosting expenses that they have in the coming days.
The seven days is the end of the first mourning period and any relatives from far away will now go back to their respective homes and come back on the 40th day. I am still unclear on all of the customs but I know that after 40 days I can go again for a visit with Jadyn, whom they all wanted to meet and see. Please be praying for their comfort and rest as we can only imagine the stress that is felt with the hosting of so many guests over many days as they are trying to grieve.
Filed under: Culture
